i was talking to lawrence. he asked if i believed everything happened for a reason. he asked if i believed in the chaos theory/butterfly effect, if i believed in god. i said everything did happen for a reason but couldn't explain that it's hard to find sometimes. i realize now, what i meant is it is not only is it hard to find but it's hard to have that be enough. it's something i know i couldn't explain to him because he just isn't that way. he knows happiness and god and it's almost as if he seems unstoppable. he still knows what it is to be a kid, he still swears he's invincable.

i have only ever really known being infinite as something that happens in a moment.

one moment and then it is gone.

i am in tears, though i don't know why.